Stop.
This is coming down.
What? Why?
No, I love the idea of the mirror on the ceiling, but that's just ugly.
But the thing is, you look beautiful in it.
Now, see, if we're gonna take it down, we gotta at least try it out...
...christen the new house.
And what do you suggest we use for a bed?
We don't need a bed, because we got this fine carpet right here.
So I guess we'll have fine carpet tattoos all over our asses.
Wait, baby, don't you have to go to work?
I don't want any 30-second nookie.
I told them I'd be late. Now what?
- What about the movers? - The movers?
- Yeah. - They're gonna be here in an hour.
Which is just enough time.
Derek. You are so bad.
Like that isn't why you married me?
What about Kyle?
He'll be all right. That boy will sleep through anything.
Gage Bendix?
Excuse me?
I couldn't help but notice we were both going to 22.
Gage Bendix, yeah. I work there.
I thought that you might.
You have an appointment with us?
Why, do I look like a client?
Actually, you do.
Well, well, I hate to shatter the illusion, but I'm a temp.
You're a temp?
Girl's gotta pay the rent.
I would've never guessed a temp.
Let me help you out.
There you go.
Thanks. I owe you one.
- Good morning. - Morning.
Are you following me?
No, I'm taking these files to Mr. Charles's office.
- Derek Charles? - Yeah, I guess you probably know him.
Yeah, I know who he is and he's an asshole.
Takes himself way too seriously. But don't tell him I said that, okay?
- I could get you in trouble? - Oh, yeah. Big trouble.
My lips are sealed.
- Patrick. - Good morning, Derek.
- Hey. - How's the new house?
Chaos, man, chaos. I got out just as the movers showed up.
Sharon must have loved that.
Yeah, if she calls mad, you tell her I'm in a meeting.
Hey. Remember who used to sit at this desk, huh?
She'll know I'm lying.
Can I help you?
That's Derek Charles?
Yes.
Better watch out, girl, he's married.
- The good ones are always married. - Right. Or straight.
Did you talk to our German friend, Herr Ganz?
Actually, I just got off the phone with him.
- And? - He doesn't like the way...
...the stock market's gyrating, thinks the hedge-fund wave is about to crest.
- You think he's right? - No, no. I don't think he's right.
He's wrong. You know Ganz.
He gets paranoid when anything goes mainstream.
So he makes a lot of noise...
...but I managed to talk him into a private-equity portfolio instead.
To the tune of 155 million.
I want you to throw Derek your support on this.
I am just honoured to exist in Derek's world.
Whose legs are those?
- Never seen them before. - I think she's a new temp.
I think you mean temptress.
Always nice to have a girl around the office, isn't it?
Derek married the last eye candy we had, took her off the market.
Yes, sir. Miss us a little Sharon around here.
I don't think you do.
- Patrick, forward my calls. - Will do.
- Okay. Good night, Marge. - Bye, Derek.
D, you cutting out early? I grabbed us a couple tickets to the Lakers tonight.
You're killing me. I'm moving.
- I gotta get home. - So?
So do I look like a man who wants to get a divorce?
Why don't I call her and say we got a work emergency?
- No, thanks, I'll stay married. - Coward.
Yeah.
Goodbye, Mr. Charles.
- You punked me. - I'm sorry, but you set me up.
I'll get my revenge. You might like to know...
...that everybody disagrees with you. - About what?
About Derek Charles being an asshole.
They say he's the nicest guy in the firm.
Yeah, well, I've got them fooled.
I'm Lisa, by the way.
Hey, Lisa By The Way.
Good luck at your next job.
Hold the door, please.
They're keeping me on for a few more days...
...so I might see you on Monday.
Sharon!
Your turn.
No, I think it's your turn!
Don't even try it. It's definitely your turn.
Looks like I'm stuck, huh?
Huh, Kyle?
Come here.
Oh, my God. What is your mom feeding you?
What do you think about giving that magic mirror another test drive?
Sharon, you're so bad.
Like that's not why you married me.
- Morning, Marge. - Morning, Derek.
Hi.
Remember me?
Lisa By The Way, right?
Very good, I'm impressed.
Hey, Marge, where's Patrick?
Out with the flu.
I did some trading with the other temps...
...and I wrangled your desk.
I hope that's okay.
No, that's fine. Why don't you grab a pad and a pen, follow me?
Here's a memo for the Christmas party this Friday.
- Is it that time already? - Yeah.
Sit down.
So why don't they invite spouses?
What?
To the party. It says no spouses.
Yeah, it's Joe Gage's rule. Actually, it's like that at a lot of companies.
I guess they figure you're not gonna kick back and let loose...
...if your spouse is there. The reason of having the party, right?
- So does this party get pretty wild? - Oh, not usually.
Well, that's no fun.
I called Patrick. He said that you like it black with two sugars.
If it's cold, I can go nuke it in the kitchen.
No, actually, it's perfect. Thank you very much. Let's get started.
- Ready when you are. - It's Monday.
- First things first. - Took care of that.
Took care of what?
On Mondays you always send your wife flowers.
This week you sent her a dozen long-stemmed red roses.
I called to confirm they've been delivered.
Thank you.
So how long have you two been married?
Three years in March.
And you still send her flowers every week. Lucky girl.
Yeah, it's kind of a tradition.
Patrick said that you started back when she was your assistant.
You and Patrick had quite a conversation.
- Let's run some calls. - Fire away.
Why don't we start with Phil Trendle?
See if you can get a lunch appointment next week...
...but push for The Water Grill. I like the fish.
- The Water Grill's fantastic. - Terry Mills.
- Am I going too fast? - I'm just waiting on you.
Are you always this efficient?
Does that surprise you?
Yeah. Yeah, most of the temps we get here, they're like...
I think you'll find I'm not your typical temp.
We were at the grocery store, I look over...
...and Kyle is flirting with the checkout girl.
She's about 16, and he's 2.
He was giving her the same look you give when you see a pretty girl.
I think you've been teaching my baby how to flirt. Like father, like son.
So, anyway, on the way home, I stopped by campus today...
... and I pick ed up a catalogue for next semester's curriculum.
Let me tell you, I cannot wait.
Do you need me?
I'm gonna show it to you tonight. I need your opinion on my courses.
Are you listening to me?
Baby.
If I bundle Managerial Economics and Operations Management...
...then I won't take Management Information Systems...
...until next semester, right?
School?
- Derek. - It's like an online degree?
Come on, baby, not tonight. You know this is important to me.
Well, it's important to me too...
...but I was kind of hoping you liked being a mom, staying home with Kyle.
You know I love being a mom.
We got all this room. I make enough money for you and I to...
It's not about the money.
We had an agreement.
You said that you'd work hard, I'd have the baby, you'd get your promotion.
Then I'd get my degree.
- I said that? - Yes, you did.
You have something to talk about when you get home.
I need some things to talk about.
- So Kyle's gonna be an only child? - Let's get him a puppy.
A female that looks like your side of the family...
...and tell him it's his sister. - Can we call her Little Sharon?
Hey, Little Sharon. Come here.
You know exactly who I'm talking about.
You know what, I wanna see you say that in front of her face.
D? Why didn't you call me back today?
- What time did you call? - Around 4.
- You should leave a message. - I did leave a message.
Oh, Patrick was sick, and, you know, the temp...
We had a temp and she said...
...Shannon called but didn't leave a number.
She? I thought we had an agreement, no female assistants.
Baby, I don't control temp availability.
Is she pretty?
Pretty plain.
Actually, you know what, she did a better job than Patrick.
Except for messing up your message.
- I want her fired immediately. - Immediately.
- I'm serious. - I promise.
Good night, Shannon.
Hope we're not interrupting anything.
No, no, it's a treat to have you here.
I'm taking Kyle to The Grove today to see Santa.
You wanna come? Get your picture taken on Santa's lap?
No, I would, but I'm swamped.
You need me back in the office, don't you?
Excuse me. Here's your coffee, freshly nuked.
Hey, Lisa.
This is my wife, Sharon. Sharon, this is Lisa. She's temping for Patrick.
It is such a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Charles.
- Hi. - Hi. And this must be Kyle.
I can already tell he's gonna be a heartbreaker.
Hi, Kyle. I'm Lisa.
Say hi, Kyle.
Oh, he can say hello. He's usually not this shy around strangers.
What a handsome boy. He looks just like you.
You think so?
Most people think he looks like the beautiful Sharon.
Talk about the perfect family.
The three of you should be on the cover of a magazine.
It's a good thing you won't be here too long.
I know my husband can be very demanding.
Actually, I'm learning a lot from your husband.
I bet you are.
Joe Gage needs to see you when you have a moment.
Great.
It's nice to meet you, Sharon.
You too, Liz.
- It's Lisa. - Excuse me?
It's Lisa. You said Liz.
Sorry. Lisa.
- Sharon. - Wasn't me. Blame Shannon.
- What's the deal with her? - What do you mean?
"Looks just like you, Derek."
But he is kind of handsome like me.
You said she was plain.
That girl may be a lot, but she ain't plain.
I wouldn't know. I only have eyes for you.
And you really think that's gonna work?
Come on.
Take you around the office. You can see the gang.
I know that you must miss it.
- When is Patrick coming back? - Tomorrow.
You better hope so.
Crudo.
Wow, look at the tree.
Christmas already.
- Hey, Stan. - Good morning, Mr. Charles.
- I'm back. - Patrick.
- Feeling better? - Yeah, thanks.
You know it's gonna take a lot more than some stomach bug...
...to keep me away from that Christmas party.
Yeah.
Not sure we can say the same for Marge.
You get around, don't you?
Poor girl called in sick with the stomach bug.
She caught it from Patrick.
That's what she gets for using my lip gloss.
All right, girls. Behave yourselves out here.
So how many times did you get busted listening in on Derek's calls?
As if you don't.
I'm way too smooth to ever get caught.
- I bet you are. - How long have you been here?
- Ten years in April. - I bet you know more...
...about what happens behind these doors than anybody.
Sweetie, you have no idea.
My nickname around here is 411.
411. Well, maybe we can grab a cocktail after work sometime.
You can catch me up with girl talk.
If you think you can pump me for information with a couple of Cosmos...
...you're right.
I'm sorry, I thought everyone was at lunch.
- I should go. - No.
You stay. Okay?
I'm gonna just grab my lunch and...
...head on back to my office.
Okay?
- You okay? You wanna talk about it? - It's nothing.
Nothing?
You know, most people I know don't cry over nothing.
You think I'm crying?
This is just allergies.
Oh, allergies, okay. What are you allergic to?
Men, apparently.
Can I sit down?
Yeah.
You having boyfriend troubles right now?
I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me.
There's nothing wrong with you.
I wish I could believe that.
Maybe you haven't met the right guy yet.
I'm beginning to think all the good ones are taken.
I'm no expert, but, you know, if it didn't work out...
...then maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Maybe.
And then, you know, you're gonna meet the right guy...
...you'll know immediately.
Is that how it was with you and Sharon?
Yeah. Yeah, it does happen.
- Great. Now I'm jealous. - Why?
She has everything.
Perfect husband, perfect child, perfect marriage.
No. No, nothing's perfect.
You know, there are problems in every relationship.
The most important thing is to move forward.
You gotta keep moving forward, you know?
Hey, Lisa, look, don't beat yourself up over this guy.
Look at you, you're a bright, attractive woman.
Any man would be lucky to have you.
Yeah, right.
No. Honestly, if I were single...
You're just trying to make me feel better.
Is it working?
Yes.
Good.
You hang in there, okay?
It's gonna be just fine.
Thanks, Derek.
Mister... Mr. Charles.
I'm sorry, excuse me.
- Excuse me. - That's all right.
What was that all about?
Oh, man, her boyfriend dumped her and I was being nice.
I'll take up that slack. That is one smoking hot piece of ass.
- Stop it, Ben. - Come on. Like you haven't noticed.
No, dude, I'm not in the game anymore.
I'm retired and coaching, as are you.
I'm still in the game. I'm just on the bench, waiting to play again.
Careful, D. It's not like the old days...
...where you could get away with office nookie and not get nailed for it.
Careful, D?
You went and married yours, that's all.
If you're thinking of that girl...
- You saw her first. - You are a fool.
Sadly, I don't think I'm her type. Now, you, on the other hand...
All I'm saying is that these single gals...
...see the workplace as their hunting ground.
And I think this one has got you in her cross hairs.
Sharon. Hey.
I just put him to sleep, baby.
Red? Blue?
- Red? Blue? - The red one.
- What you doing tonight? - The usual. Formula, oatmeal.
How do I look?
- You look all right. - I look all right.
Remember the last time you went to that party and got drunk.
Kyle.
Eat something.
I will. I'm gonna grab a burger at Jake's.
- Okay. I love you. - Okay. I love you too.
Fourth quarter, Derek Charles puts it up, three seconds to go.
- I love you, baby. - Bye. Eat something, baby.
- This seat taken? - Yeah.
No, I'm kidding.
Be my guest.
- Look at you. - It's a Christmas party.
Oh, yeah. You look great.
Thank you. You grabbing a bite before?
Yeah. You too?
Brilliant minds think alike.
Thank you, John. Still the best burger in town.
Really?
Hey, John? John?
John.
- Can I have one too? - Fix her up. The special.
- That was delicious. - I told you.
You know, we used to come back here after a hard day's work and cut loose.
- Work hard, play hard? - Yeah.
Back in the day, I would throw them back too.
Hey, how's your boyfriend trouble?
- Keep moving forward, right? - Exactly.
- All right. - So, what's the grand plan, Derek?
Run the company by 35...
...jet by 40, retire on my private island and own the Lakers by 50.
- I'm a Sixers fan. - I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll bring you around to my team, okay?
- Excuse me? - Yeah.
Can...? Can I please have a dirty martini?
Sure.
- You want one? - No, thanks.
Oh, come on. Big talker.
No, thanks.
- It's Christmas time. Work's dead. - John, no.
- Bring one for my friend. - How dirty do you want it?
Make it filthy.
This is for you.
Patrick? Patrick. Patrick.
Once again, great job as the head of the decoration committee.
- You're like Santa's Little Helper. - Well, I wouldn't let your people do it.
Hey, don't try this at home, huh? You'll hurt yourself.
What's up?
What's going on? You look beautiful.
I'll be right back.
I'm coming for you, Derek.
- I'm coming for you. - No. I don't dance.
No, come on, you don't wanna with me. Okay, okay.
Yeah. All right.
- Is this you, Marge? - That's me.
Let me get some of that boogie.
- Didn't know you could move like that. - Because I'm stuck behind a desk.
- Okay, you do have legs under there. - Oh, yes, I do.
- All right. You are smooth. - Smooth, baby, real smooth.
- Really smooth. - I'm coming in.
All righty, baby. He's all yours.
- Hey, Office Asshole. - That's Mr. Office Asshole to you.
Tequila?
Beer, three martinis, and tequila? No, I don't think so.
Coward.
Bring it on.
You've got the moves.
That's Soul Train for you, baby.
- What you got? - Wanna see what I got?
- Let's go, let's go. - Bring it.
You got some moves. Okay, temp.
- Nasty, nasty. - Hey.
You know, I wasn't gonna come tonight.
Why not?
I haven't been here that long and...
I'm sure everybody here is happy that you showed up.
Even you?
What do you mean, "even me"? I'm your biggest supporter here.
You wanna put one on the cheek?
If you don't, people will really think something's going on.
Well, we're gonna have to take that chance then, huh?
Whoa, where you going?
This evening's just getting started. Sally Sloane. We got Sally Sloane.
You remember her? She gave us lap dances!
- Sally. - Derek has singles!
- He has singles! - I gotta go home, sober up.
You wanna get out of here and go find trouble?
- No, thank you. No, thank you. - Where is your holiday spirit?
With my wife and kid.
Gotta take a leak, then I'm sneaking out of here, all right?
You're no fun, D. No fun at all.
Lisa, Lisa.
Hey, hey, hey. Stop, stop, stop.
Come on, stop, no.
Fuck.
You need to stop it.
Who's there?
Stop. Okay. Okay.
Lisa, Lisa.
Oh, God, Lisa, Lisa. Stop. Stop. Don't do that. Don't...
Stop, stop.
Stop.
Lisa, stop.
Stop.
Stop it.
- What? Derek. - What the hell is wrong with you?
What's wrong? Derek!
If you don't feel like you can drive, I have cab vouchers.
Cab vouchers for anybody who can't drive. Don't want you hurt.
Come on, don't be shy.
Freak.
Well, well, well. Living dangerously, aren't we?
Patrick, you silly old queen.
Dance with me.
How was it?
The usual, baby.
Anything interesting happen?
No.
Good morning.
Hey. Morning.
- Everything okay? - Yeah.
Man, you should've stayed.
Roger from Acquisitions tossed his cookies on the Christmas tree.
Sorry I missed that.
Bad time?
No.
Joe wants to know when you'll be done with the Ganz portfolio.
Tell him I'll have it to him by the end of the day.
Thanks.
Sure.
Joe really likes the ladies, huh?
I wouldn't know.
Hey. All right if I take off?
- Yeah. Go home. - All right. See you tomorrow.
Okay.
Hey, Lisa.
Hey.
I owe you an apology for the Christmas party.
I think that I sort of took you by surprise.
Yeah, you know, we both had a few drinks.
So let's just forget about it.
What if I can't?
Lisa, nothing happened.
All right, have it your way. Nothing happened.
All right, get out of my car.
Get out of my car right now.
Get out of my car.
Relax.
- Derek, relax. - Come on. Out of my car.
- Get out of here. - No one's around to see us.
God. I almost went insane today. Having to pretend...
...like I was concentrating on work, when all I could think about...
Lisa! Get out of my car now!
Derek, what's wrong?
- What did I do? - Hey, hey.
I don't know what's wrong, whether you're dense or what...
...but let me tell you something. There's nothing going on between us.
Nothing! Okay? I wouldn't jeopardise my job. For chrissakes, I work here.
Stop! Don't touch me. Just get out.
Get out.
- Get out! Come on! - God!
- Maybe you are an asshole. - Yeah, all right. Get out.
Sharon?
Shar?
Something I need to tell you.
What's wrong?
I spent the last hour and a half talking my sister off the ledge.
- Sheila? - Can you believe Tim's been having...
...an affair with some random woman at work for a year and a half?
- How did she find out? - Tim just blurted it out.
He said he was leaving her. With three kids.
- Yeah, that's tough. - It's a disaster. If it were me...
No, that would never be you, because I would never cheat on you.
I know.
Tim is an asshole.
Tell me about it.
So, what were you gonna tell me?
What?
You said you had something to tell me. What is it?
No.
Just a problem at work. Nothing I can't handle.
Why didn't you tell me?
Honestly, there was nothing to tell.
She grabbed your package, flashed you in your car.
Come on. I thought we were best friends.
I cannot believe you didn't tell me sooner.
- Ben, you think this is funny? - Yes, I do.
I kind of thought maybe she was into you a little. I just never figured...
I don't get it. You know, I...
Honestly, Ben.
"Hey, how are you?" I didn't... I was just being nice.
That's all.
You sure you didn't lead her on? Just a little?
- No. Not a goddamn thing. Honestly. - That girl is hot.
- So, what are you gonna do? - Report it to Human Resources.
You're gonna get her fired?
- I don't have a choice. - Let's just be careful about this.
What if she says that you came onto her?
No way.
We're talking history of behaviour here, Derek.
When's the last time you had a female assistant at your desk, huh?
People are gonna wonder.
- Morning, Mr. Charles. - Hey.
- Hank back there? - Go right in.
- Hey, Hank. - Derek, hey.
- What's up, man? - Hey.
I have... I have a personal matter I gotta talk to you about.
You know Lisa Sheridan, the temp?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She worked your desk for a while.
Yeah, that's right. She did.
Hank, this is awkward, okay?
If you're here to file a complaint about her performance...
...you can save your breath.
Her agency called, said she's not coming back in.
They already sent a replacement.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
They say why?
No.
Why, was there some sort of problem?
Problem?
No. No problem. No problem.
I just thought she was way in over her head, that's all.
- But if she already quit, then... - She beat you to it.
Yeah.
- Was there anything else? - No. Guess not.
- How's the new house? - You know, couldn't be better.
- Tell Sharon I said hi. - I will.
Actually, you guys should come by once we settle down. Come by.
- That sounds great. - All right.
- See you, Hank. - Bye-bye.
- So? - She quit.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Do you have a horseshoe up your ass?
You are the luckiest bastard I know.
Looks that way.
Not a bad early Christmas present.
All right.
Thank you.
Thank you. I'm getting all these gifts. Look at this.
Friedrich?
Hey, it's Derek Charles.
Hey. How was your Christmas?
No, mine was great. I had a great time with my family.
No, I'm in the office working for you right now.
Absolutely. That's what we do. That's what we do.
Hey, you take a look at that prospectus for me?
I told you.
Yeah. No, I think we're gonna have a great New Year.
Baby, it's after 3?
That's the last time I'm celebrating out on New Years.
Next year, we'll celebrate at home. Just you, me, and Kyle.
Aren't you gonna get that?
No. It'll wait till the morning.
What if it's Ganz with the approval?
It's noon in Munich. Go on, lazy.
Ganz?
No.
What was that?
Nothing. I just gotta get a new spam blocker.
And then Joe was like:
"Oh, we're not drinking. This is a retreat. We're gonna stay sober.
Do some bonding."
If Joe said that, he must've been drunk at the time.
Right? So I'll call you later and check on you and Kyle.
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, lap dance. Lap dance. Who brought up lap dance?
This is... This is a business retreat. This is work.
We are clocked in. Unless it was Joe's idea.
Well, it's a brilliant idea, so it must've been mine.
All righty. Well, then, let's see a show of hands...
...of who wants to see some hot, oily breasts...
...being jammed into their faces? Derek, are you in?
I'm a married man.
- I don't have to pay for it. - You're paying.
- You just don't know it yet. - Hear, hear.
- Excuse me, sir. - What's this?
A dirty martini.
- No, I didn't... - It's from the lady at the bar.
I do have to say I'm kind of a fan of the waitress staff around here.